Honeybee
by aegyosooshi
Summary: The realities of being a lesbian in love with a straight girl in high school: the fanfiction. SNSD pairing: Jessica x Tiffany.


"There she is. Go talk to her."

"No. I refuse."

"For God's sake, Jessica, grow some balls and just do it."

I swallowed and stared at Tiffany's back from across the gym anxiously. To be honest, I didn't even know what I was doing there. Dances just aren't my thing. I'd never been that great with any sort of social gathering, really, and yet here I was - dragged by my oh-so-lovely friends so that I could awkwardly stand on the side and watch as people who are usually quiet and sweet around school crudely shove their butts against each other in time to the music.

Tiffany wasn't doing that though. No, instead she was standing on the sidelines like I was, innocently tapping her foot along to the rhythm of the song and laughing at something her circle of friends were chattering about. My insides shriveled up. Man, was she cute. That smile of hers just sent my whole world spinning, every time.

"Fine. If you won't talk to her, then I will," my friend Sooyoung said with a smirk. "And I'll ask her about you." The scariest part of that moment was that I knew she wasn't kidding. Not that Sooyoung - if she told you she was going to kiss the next guy (or girl) that passed by, she'd do it, and not hold back. I loved that about her, but I also hated it at the same time.

"Holy shit, Sooyoung, hold up!" But Sooyoung was already halfway there. I had no choice, so I ran after her. By the time I'd caught up, we were standing right in front of Tiffany, and Sooyoung was already working her black magic on the poor girl.

"Oh my gosh, your hair is gorgeous. It's like - I don't know, it's so short and volumous but still really soft and well-styled and everything."

Tiffany seemed surprised. "Thank you!" she exclaimed genuinely. I nearly fainted. It was true, though; her hair really was wonderful. It always was. She'd often wear it up in class, but tonight it was down, and half of it was pinned in the back with a cute white bow.

"Hi Tiffany," I finally said. "This is Sooyoung. I just wanted to, you know, stop by for a minute and say hi."

Sooyoung held out her hand. The bastard. She was always so goddamn sure of herself. If I could be like that for a day, I feel like I could do just about anything. Like I could really be someone. Hell, I think I could solve world hunger with the confidence that Sooyoung had - or at least appeared to have. "Nice to meet you, hon. Your name suits you. So cute."

"Thanks, I know I'm cute," one of Tiffany's friends chimed in. Everyone laughed. Sooyoung just smiled.

I attempted to join, feigning as much nonchalance as humanly possible. "So, how long have you been here?"

"Oh, only a couple minutes. I know the dance has been going on for a while, but they always start pretty slow. I don't usually join the dance anyway."

"But you're such a lovely dancer!"

"Not to stuff like this," one of her friends answered.

Tiffany grinned. "Have you seen how white I am? I'm a ballet dancer. Twerking just isn't in my vocabulary."

I had to work really hard to contain the joy I felt in that moment. But I still laughed, and I still welcomed the butterflies that fluttered in my heart, as cheesy as that sounds. It was good to be there with her instead of simply watching miserably from afar.

"So, I'll leave you with them, Jessica," Sooyoung said dismissively, already walking off like it was nothing at all. A dose of fear struck me as I was left alone with Tiffany and her friends. Time slowed. My mind whirled. Now that Sooyoung was gone, and I was surrounded by a group of girls I hardly knew, the atmosphere became… uncomfortable. It was blatantly clear that I did not belong there. There is a level of friendship you have to get to before you can just walk up to someone while they're in their own group of friends and hang out with them collectively, and I sure as hell was not there yet with Tiffany.

Time returned to normal and I chased after Sooyoung, not bothering to say goodbye. I was too embarrassed. Sooyoung chastised me for a bit over not taking a chance, but we both knew it would have been in vain. Even Hyoyeon, who was passing by and stopped in curiosity over my flustered state, told me not to bother. "Not to brag or anything, but I have an excellent gaydar," she mused. "That girl is definitely not gay."

"But you never really know for sure." Sooyoung shrugged. "Shit, girl, just go up to her and ask her if she likes vagi-"

"Lord have mercy, Sooyoung, I am not doing that!" I looked at Tiffany again from our place on the other side of the gym. Her friends were looking at us. My face grew hot and I spun back around in panic. "Oh, no. Oh, God. They know. She knows. They're talking about me. I just know they are. They are, aren't they?"

Hyoyeon looked at her boyfriend, who'd been listening in with a bemused expression on his face, and they shrugged. "Girl, calm yourself. You're overthinking this. Just go have a good night and stop worrying. There's no point in standing here freaking out like this."

I knew she was right, I really did. But I swear I spent the rest of the night walking around and freaking out about it. At least I was walking around, though. Hyoyeon didn't need to know.

For the rest of the night, I bought things from the different stalls set up by our school clubs. I thought it might distract me or something. I ended up buying 5 packs of skittles from the dance department. I didn't eat them all, but the buying part was soothing for some reason. I gave 3 of them out to my friends and we all sat around outside the gym talking until it got too dark to see and the music too loud to hear anything without shouting. Eventually it got quiet (aside from the sound of protests from the crowd) and the ASB advisor's voice could then be heard from inside yelling into the microphone that it was time to pack up and go home. The event hadn't been scheduled to end for another 45 minutes, though, so my parents wouldn't be coming to get me for a while. At the front of the school, hundreds of students gathered to wait for their rides home, and I sat around with different friends of mine until they, eventually, had all gone. Save for one person, of course:

Tiffany.

I spotted her after most of the kids had left and the campus had cleared a bit, waving goodbye to the last in her group of friends. For a moment I just kind of stared, trying to decide if it was only my mind playing tricks on me or something. She just looked so cute - so picture perfect under the soft lighting of the lamp she stood beneath. Her eyes looked on so gently into the night, and her delicate eyelashes fluttered when she blinked. Her adorable nose and her hair brushed so lightly behind her cute little ear and her quiet smile - sweet Jesus, that smile. I could have watched her stand there for hours and hours and never feel any less enchanted by her.

I had to stop myself at some point though. I knew I was being obvious. It was no secret to anyone in the school that I was a lesbian - it was rarer to find someone who didn't know than someone who did - and the fact that I was blatantly swooning over Tiffany was probably not the best idea I'd ever had. So instead, I decided it was time to suck it up and just say hello. An opportunity like this, where the both of us were alone, would most likely never come again. I felt confidence rising up inside me as I slowly traveled to where she was, but as soon as I reached her, every ounce of it drained from my body. I almost considered walking past her and pretending like I'd meant to do that all along, but I just couldn't. What can I say? I loved to be around her. I _wanted_ to be around her. Even though I knew there was no point, I still wanted it.

"Tiffany, you're alone too?" I said, like we were friends or something.

"Yeah. Grace just left. I told my parents 8:30, so."

"Me too. At least we can be alone together." The awkward things I say, like that, are what usually kept me from attempting conversations with people I like. But I had to pretend like it was all okay, and I'd meant to say that, and I was just bored and wanted to chill with someone while waiting and all that jazz. You know the silly teenage instinct of overanalyzing crap. I'm sure you did the same, too, or still do. You can't help it when you care so much about someone's opinion like that. I just wanted Tiffany to like me, you know? I wanted to get to know her. I was just so dang bad at it. Yet there I was, trying anyway, and pretending like I had it all together just fine. Funny how all that stuff can be going through your heart and your mind at once, and the other person will have no clue whatsoever. "So did you enjoy your night?"

"I guess it was okay. Last year's dance was better though."

"Yeah, I remember that. It was your freshman year, right?"

"Mhm. And you were a… junior?"

"Indeed I was."

"I still think you look like a sophomore like me."

"I know. No one ever believes me when I tell them I'm a senior."

"I didn't either. You have a young face."

"I'll take that as a compliment, so thank you, Tiffany."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude or anything! I'm sorry."

"I was kidding, it's okay, silly."

"Oh. Right."

We both laughed sort of awkwardly. After a bit, I started to sit down and she followed suit. We just stayed there silently beneath the lamp, glancing around us and checking our phones and everything. When I looked up at the sky, there were hardly any visible stars, and suddenly I felt a wave of sadness. A song came to my mind - my favorite at the moment - and then I finally opened my mouth and said something.

"What kind of music do you like the most, Tiffany?"

She looked up at me from her phone, then looked into the distance and thought for a moment. "Uh…" She set her phone down and sighed heavily. "That's actually a hard question. I listen to a little bit of everything, I think. What about you?"

"I never know how to respond to that question, either. There's just so much wonderful music out there. But I think I'd say indie is my thing."

"Ah."

"You know what that is?"

She chuckled lightly. "Nope."

"It's like… I don't want to say hipster music, but it's music that's not mainstream."

"Which is basically hipster music."

"Okay, fine! Yes. Suit yourself."

"Alright, cool, cool. I can dig that."

"Did you just say 'I can dig that'?"

"Don't crush my dreams, Jessica! I'm ghetto at heart."

"Come on. If you wanted to be ghetto, you should have been like, 'dat's what I'm talkin' 'bout, mofo. Dat be myyyyy kinda jam right thurr.'"

"Who are you to be giving me ghetto lessons? Look at you, your skin is like the color of paper."

"Now you're just being racist!"

Laughing with Tiffany that night was one of the most genuine feelings I'd had in a long time. She seemed so easy to talk to, but it was then that I realized just how true that was. Approaching her was what was hard. She'd always look surprised and a little unsure when you'd first say hi to her but then when you really started having a conversation you'd find that she was just so… dorky. If I'd had the choice, I would have stayed there talking about pointless stuff with her all night.

"Anyway, I asked because I wanted to show you this song."

"Okay. Is it hipster?"

"Indie."

"Okay, okay. Indie."

"Yes, it is. Hardly anyone knows it. It's called 'Honeybee' by Steam Powered Giraffe."

"Fun name."

"I know, right? Here, I'll play it for you on my iPod. I wish it was raining, because it sounds so much lovelier with rain in the background. Here, put this in your ear."

She took the earphone from my hand and I pressed play. It wasn't completely quiet out yet, as there were still a few suspicious groups of kids hanging around, but there were few people enough that their conversations were just a soft hush in the cold night air. The song, which is really soft and bittersweet and bewitching - you should look it up sometime, it really is gorgeous, you know - just fit the moment perfectly to me. I was tempted to look at her, at every lyric and every harmony, and see her expression, or admire her general loveliness, but I held back. Instead I just closed my eyes and imagined it. I imagined her listening and smiling that smile and moving closer to me and leaning her head on my shoulder and telling me how beautiful it is and that I should show her more music and listen to as much as we can until we fall asleep under the stars with our fingers entwined and our legs tangled together on the cold concrete floor.

Then it was over. We'd said nothing until those 5 minutes were up, and the earphones went silent. I actually looked at her this time, and she looked back. "So that's indie," was what she said.

I was disappointed, but I didn't show it. "Yeah, but indie is a pretty broad genre," I replied. "Isn't it beautiful?"

"Oh, yeah. It was very beautiful. But why did you want to show it to me?"

"It… it's one that I really love."

"But why show_ me_? If it's so important to you, I mean."

"That's…" I studied the ground. She'd caught me off-guard. "I guess I… thought you might appreciate it. I guess. I don't know. I just wanted to."

"Jessica?"

"I didn't think it through or anything. It just came to my mind. There wasn't a reason. Does… does there have to be a reason? Is that weird?"

"You can tell me that you have a crush on me, Jessica. It's okay. I know."

"It's just that recently I've liked the song so much and I… wait… wha…?"

I only ever saw it happen in movies, but my mind actually had to take a second to compute what it was that Tiffany had said. When it finally hit me, the feeling was terrible. I'd never felt so dizzy in my life.

"Look, I'm… straight. I just don't like girls. I just don't. I'm sorry. I really am."

The lull of voices that I'd heard before was suddenly not there anymore. I suddenly noticed that we were practically completely alone by now, save for maybe 15 kids scattered around the front campus. It was really isolating. I would have run away like a coward, if my legs hadn't turned into jelly.

So instead, I just smiled. Now that I think back on it, it was probably really sad-looking.

"I know," I told her. "I knew the moment I first saw you. But I still… I still…." It was hard to figure out the right words to say, now that my feelings were just thrown out there like that. I leaned back and stared up at the near-starless sky again. "You're just so… so Tiffany… and so... cute. So I still…"

Tiffany really did seem sorry. Like she was uncomfortable, but still cared. Still wanted to find the right words to tell me that it's sweet but that I should also stop trying. I was used to that part, at least. So I told her that. "This happens a lot. It's always happened to me. I'm used to liking girls who will never like me back. I'm sorry to put you through this."

She opened her mouth to say something, but I interrupted her before she could.

"The thing that's most awful about it is that I always have to feel this embarrassment. Almost like I'm ashamed to like who I do. Girls are always like, 'oh no, what if the boy I like finds out that I like him! What will I ever do!' But, sheesh, the worst that can happen is he won't like them back. But for me? For all the girls that I ever like? The worst that can happen is that they'll become disgusted by me. Maybe not on purpose. Maybe not because they don't like me as a person, or they don't like gays or lesbians or whatever. Most people are pretty okay with it now, and I'm not revolting or anything. It just that people can't help it. Even the nicest guys in the world will feel uncomfortable if another guy likes them. And even the sweetest of girls, like you, Tiffany, might feel exactly the same. It's no one's fault. It's just society. That's how it goes. Just because I'm a girl, I have to be afraid to fall in love. Afraid, can you believe that? Afraid. For the past 3 months, my feelings for you developed, and I thought maybe I'd let it happen, because it's been a while since I've let myself do that. Because the last time I did that, I had to sit and watch while she fell in love with someone else. I got a front row seat, even. I'm part of the reason they're together now. It actually sucks, Tiffany.

"But it isn't your fault. I know it isn't your fault, and I can't blame you for feeling that way. I'm sorry it was you that I had to start liking. I hate that I have to apologize for liking someone, but there it is. I'm sorry. I know it's an inconvenience. And I'm sorry, Tiffany. I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that!" Tiffany shouted. At least, I think she was trying to shout, but it came off as more of a loud whimper. At any rate, she told me to stop. So I did. I stopped. And it was real quiet for a crazy long time. I was in too much a daze to actually know how much time passed, to be honest. Then she said, soft, "My ride's here."

I nodded, and we both stood. I can't tell you how weird it was. The atmosphere and all.

I was watching her while she was already walking away, and just the image of her back turned against me was like a stab at my gut. But then, quite suddenly, she spun around, ran up to me and hugged me. Out of nowhere. I started crying. I won't use any fancy word to describe it - that's just how it is; I began to cry. I think I was so fed up with it all, with this always happening to me. I never, ever felt sorry for my sexuality. I was proud of it, all day, every day. But for a short moment, it happened, for the very first time since middle school. For a short moment… I wished that I was straight.

"Shhhhh," she said. I was just crying into her shoulder. She was a lot shorter than me, but I still bent down and curled into her like it was the opposite, because I sure as hell felt like the smallest person in the universe at that moment. "It's okay. It won't always be this way."

"I wish I wasn't gay, Tiffany. I wish it was simple. I wish I was straight and I wish that was a fucking choice. Why can't it be like that, Tiffany? A choice? Why can't I choose to not love people who will just break my heart every time because they can't choose either?"

I needed to cry and feel sorry for myself a bit longer, but I knew she had to go and I knew I did too because my phone was buzzing continuously and only my parents ever called me. I tore away, took a deep, shaky breath, and smiled all sad like I had before. She told me not to do that because it was depressing her. I started crying again. She freaked out and apologized all over the place. And then I started laughing, because even though it was painful as hell, it was still cute. She started laughing too. Then she said, "My parents are going to be really mad, so I'll make this quick, but please don't be hurt about this anymore. You're a great girl, Jessica. You'll be loved back one day. Of course you will. We're in high school… you know? You won't find the love of your life here. But it'll get better later. I don't know… it might suck to hear it _right at this moment_… but yeah. It will be better. So just hang on for right now. It's like… no one can choose who they love. But everyone can choose how they deal with it. How they make it a good experience versus a bad experience. That's what I mean. I…" she hesitated. "I'm… I'm flattered that you like me. We'll be friends, okay?"

When she left, she did this thing where she squeezed my hand and blinked her honey eyes at me before completely disappearing into the night. Man. Her eyes, right then, with the lamp's light reflecting in them and all, still haunt me to this day. They're a constant reminder of the reality I and so many others have to live through every day. You can fantasize all you want about the brilliant imaginary romance in your mind and how it blossoms more with each and every passing day. And you will, because that's just how it is. Sometimes, it's really all you can think about. But the fact of the matter is that life doesn't work that way. When love comes, it'll come sometime later in life - you'll never know when, so don't try to figure it out - long after you've stopped searching for it, or once you've taken a different path and you by chance collide into someone who can really honestly feel for you.

It was hard for me, that night, to watch another girl walk away after shattering my heart to pieces, but when I got home and snuggled up to my stuffed animals in bed and fell asleep watching Friends, I felt a lot of hope. Hope that I hadn't known in a long time. Because, even though it never really turns out like it does in your dreams, you know that one day it will turn out a lot better, just like Tiffany had told me.

I know I'm not there yet, but I'll get there someday. And you will, too. You will.


End file.
